Reality

Hi there, how is everyone today?  I hope that everyone is doing great on this beautiful spring day.  So, the reality of it all…

When I first was diagnosed with Lung Cancer a couple of years ago, the statistics were only 20% make it beyond the 5 year mark.  I of course believed that I was in that percentage.  After chemo, surgery and radiation we found out that my cancer had mutated and had spread to several places.

Bummer, now the statistics were 6 month to 18 month of life and all depends if I respond to treatment.  This is when I took matters into my own hands and started all the home remedies that everyone and anyone had been telling me about plus medical treatment but needless to say, I did not respond and my cancer grew.  Now I really was in the 6 months left.

I took more drastic measures and headed down to MDAnderson and went through a clinical trial, these pills knock me down to my knees and I was willing to continue to some extent but the burning and itching was a bit much.  I did noticed in the past few days that I had some lumps popping up around my neck, chest, underarm and leg so I kind of knew in my heart that things were not going my way but it still hurts when you hear it from the doctor.  The cancer has really spread, the treatment is not working and there is even a possibility that some of the tumors are breast cancer as well.  Now what…  Well, there plan B is for me to go back to my oncologist here in Norman and go back to chemotherapy of a couple of drugs that I have already had and did not work in the hopes that it keeps the cancer at bay.

This is what my head tells me that she said (in a very sweet voice) nothing we can do go back home.  Anyway, I feel like a pingpong ball so here I am.  My appointment is this coming Thursday and we will see what they have to say.

Reality, sometimes is looking straight at you and you close your eyes not to see it.  I will continue to close my eyes and wait for that miracle that we are praying for but if case God is saying ‘NO, not this time’, I will start getting all my affairs together, we will try to travel and see as many friends as possible before the time comes.

Thank you all for your prayers and support, I do feel them.  I do not respond to them most of the time but I do appreciate them.  My family is the greatest and you are all awesome friends.

Love Y’all,

ME

A day in my shoes

What is it like on a good day? Well, if I slept at least 4 hours then I will be up around 8:00 or so, feed Cosmo, take my pills with a glass of orange juice and if possible eat a piece of toast or a bowl of cereal.  In this kind of days, I should have enough energy and spirit to go into the office and check in my computer, write e-mails, facebook and even some research. 

Once rested and around 10:00, I would then take a shower and if enough energy put on cream all over my body to protect the burned skin…  sometimes I have to lay down between shower and getting dress because I am coughing too much or too tired to keep going.

Usually by 11:00 I am ready to get into my big chair and after I am finished with my prayers I basically stay here until it is time to go to bed.  I will get up here and there but not much as I have used up most of the daily energy and sometimes the bottom of my feet are so burned that it hurts to walk.  Now some days, if I am doing really well, I get to cook dinner or at least get things going, do laundry or dust and clean a shelf or bathroom… those are the really good days.  I look forward to having good days because I feel like I have done something productive.

The not so good days are similar except that after taking my morning pills, I would rest before the shower and then rest before putting the cream on and then go to my chair for the rest of the day.

And then the really good for nothing days, I will get up to take my pills and then go back to bed until about 4:30 and then get up to try to eat something.

But once in a while I can go out, last week we went to visit some Venezuelan friends (the Pradas’) for about an hour and a couple of days ago we went to Louie’s for dinner… Days like those are golden.

I will be going to Houston this weekend for test and to see the doctor, we will see if the trial is working, at least keeping the cancer from growing and decide if it makes sense to continue the trial or go to plan B.  As you know I was pulled off the trial until my skin recovered from the chemical burn caused by the drugs.  I re-started a week and a half ago with reduce dosage on one of the drugs and unfortunately I have noticed that my hands, face and feet are starting to show the burn symptoms again, so maybe this trial is not for me after all.  I will let you know the answer next week.

For those that are following Michaels’ events, the hearing became another postponement as the family of the diseased girl was not able to attend, but a few things did take place that were not so good and we need loads of prayers.  The family presented an impact statement that was definitely against Michael, the judge removed himself from the case (long story) and the probation report although good, can’t recommend probation when there is a fatality so all and all it was not a good day. Tomorrow Friday, Michael goes back to court to get a new judge and date assigned to the case… This is a nightmare.

My dear son, Michael says he ‘Can’t give up yet’, well neither will I…

Love y’all,

ME

I love visitors

I have not been able to go anywhere except for doctors since New Year’s Eve and of course my Mom’s funeral.  So my joy is when I get visitors, even if it is only for a few minutes.

Our dear friends Charlie and Linda stop by as a surprise again and stayed with us one night, short but I’ll take it.  My dear friend Lynne Poppe, who I have not seen in a long time, came to stay with us a few days, I was too sick to really enjoy the company but was glad she was here to keep Pat company.  My sister Betina got tired of me turning down dates to meet for lunch that her and Ricky decided to buy lunch and bring it over, now that was clever.

The other day Gayle and Vel Dimery came for an hour or so and brought us some movies to see and vanilla shake, nice… very nice.  Earlier in the year Katy Wakeham and Rhonda Lundberg came for one night and it was like girls sleep over since the guys were out in California.  Just a few days ago Katy, Dirk and Connor stopped by for dinner as they were doing the college tour, it was nice to have a relaxing evening.  Oops almost forgot to mention that my sisters Leslie and Delia came to visit on their way to Colorado and they stayed and extra day just to spend it with me.  Plus my dear local friends Diana and Maureen who came to visit and we just had some nice conversation.  Life is good.

And of course Michelle brings Maggie over 2 or 3 times a week which makes me so very happy and my dear sister Ligia comes over for a bit every day.

So you see, I love visitors since I can’t go to you, please come to me, and if you can’t then go visit someone that is sick and bored and tell them I sent you.

This week is a big week in court for Michael because is when the judge makes a decision on the charges and of course I want them to agree that this was a terrible accident but not a felony so loads of prayers and good vibes are needed… and if you are in southern California on Friday morning and do not have much to do, they could use your presence in court for moral support.

Love y’all,

Me

It has been a while

Sorry but I have not been feeling well lately and this is the first time in over a week that I have made it into the office and seating by the computer.

The good news is that my dear friend Lynne Poppe just came to visit for about 5 days and it was a joy to see her after so long.

The sad news is that I have been pulled off the trial again as the chemical has created an internal burn that is surfacing through my skin.  I am burned and peeling from every inch of my body and I mean my lips, ears, palm of my hands, bottom of my feet, my rear end and all.  The yogurt baths helped but were not able to keep up with the fire so now I am off the meds and putting on cream all over so we will see what the end result will be.  What I can say right now is that this is terrible, not only it hurts every time I move and my skin touches a surface but it takes almost an hour to wash off the peeling and put on the cream, and that is about all the energy I have on a daily basis.

But not wanting to just share bad news and end in a sad note, Michelle gave Maggie her First Birthday party here on Sunday, February 26^th and it was fantastic.  She did all the decorations, and gifts and oh it was just beautiful and every baby and there were lots, behaved and all had loads of fun.  So my miracle grandbaby is now ONE year old. 

Love y’all,

ME

Pills

Well Hi there,

I bet you were wondering what happened to me since I have not written in a long time.  Well as usual my life is never dull so shortly after my last post Pat and I came down with a pretty bad cold.  Pat is now over it and I am still coughing to the point of running out of air, needless to say I spend most of my day in my fancy chair sleeping or watching old shows.  Pretty exciting life, that is why when I get a surprise visit like from Linda and Charlie from Colorado, it makes my day (or night) so please feel free to come and see me any time.

There are two subjects I want to talk about today, first is my current condition which is not great, but want you to know that I am still not giving up.  If you could see me you would not recognize me, I truly look like a 70 year old lady, my hair is thinned out and no longer grows so the picture you see of little old ladies in a nursing home where they all have the same haircut? Well that is me now, pretty pathetic.  Also my skin, the treatment causes chemical burn so every part of my body and I mean every part of my body has that wrinkle that you get from too much sun, my underarm, my finger tips, even the bottom of my feet.  It use to itch all the time but I have learned to ignore it for the most part… but the skin, boy it sure looks bad.  So don’t cry for me, I can do that myself… I remembered what Randy told me back in the days when I only had to worry about breast cancer, ‘do yogurt baths’, so I have done a couple and will do another one today.  They are not fun but when you are done, you feel like a brand new person.  You get plain yogurt, a small little one will do for one bathing.  You put it all over your body like if it was lotion, trust me, it is cold so you have to be brave and just do it.  Have the bathtub going with warm to hot water; I know I know, I am not a bathtub person myself but no choice here. Get in the tub and lay down the best you can until the water starts getting cold, then shower and Vuala you are done.

This has helped with regenerating my skin but of course taking the medicine every day does not help with keeping my skin looking young…  The reason why I am telling you this is because anyone can do this to help with their skin, especially in the winter when it gets so dry.

Okay now to the next subject, ‘Pill taking’ you MUST drink at least one glass of water with your pills, regardless of what anyone tells you and the main reason is because you want to flush them down to your stomach and not let them stay in your trachea/esophagus/throat for any length of time.  Medicines are to be processed by your stomach and then distributed through your body like any other food/drink.  It has been known that pills with the cute rubber cover might dissolve in your esophagus and after a while might just open a whole in there.  I am not a pill taking person, well… was not a pill taking person and now take over 15 a day but the ones I take for the treatment must be taken really early with a glass of water and wait and hour, you can imagine me getting up ‘REALLY EARLY’ and then taking a full ‘GLASS OF WATER’ … nah, it was not happening and then I started having problems with my pipes going down and that is when I learned the importance of that FULL glass of water with all my pills.  You know me, I give advice and it is your choice to follow or not… this one I would follow.

Well, this has to be all for now because truth be told, typing with raw fingers that crack open like paper cuts ‘hurts’, maybe next time I will have Michelle do the typing.  For now I want to tell you that Michael’s meeting with the parole office went very well, next court date is March 16^th. And for those that are keeping track, our little miracle ‘Miss Maggie’ will be ONE year old this coming Monday… yeah.

Love y’all,

ME

Live or Die

What Mix emotions!!!  I am saddened that my mother is gone but happy she did not suffer.  And really I have not grieved yet as I think of it as if she was visiting another daughter.  It all happened so fast and then all the sisters and people and then all gone… puff, now what?

Ligia and I did what we know best, yesterday Pat made us appetizer/dinner and we had a happy hour together…  Today will be another day.

So here is the thing, where I also have mix emotions.  Mom in reality died because of cancer.  When she was diagnosed just a few months ago, she did not want to go through what I was going through and said no treatment.  Her cancer was less than 1 cm and we all agreed and joked that she would probably die of old age, heart or whatever before that little bit of cancer would get to her.  Did anyone tell us that it was located in a dangers airwave?  No. All along we knew (or thought we knew) that I was to go before Mom.  That thought really bothered her and she said to me many times, I do not want to burry a daughter; as well as many times in the past few years she would say, I am not afraid of dying, I have lived a wonderful life and I am ready to go any time.  So is my will to live keeping me alive and her will to die took her?  Can you really decide when to live and when to die?  My God, if there is any truth to this, please know that I have many things undone and will need another… let’s say 20 years to finish what I started.  Deal?

PS. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you my friends who have called, sent cards and messages of condolences.  Mom was greater than life and like Michelle said, this is the end of a Dynasty and we are so blessed to have been a part of it.

Love y’all,

ME

Did you know Betty?

If you didn’t meet her you missed out as she was one of the most amazing, unique, entertaining, awesome, happy…   I can go on and on.

Betty was my mother and the mother of my 6 other sisters plus the grandmother of 9 grandchildren and the great grandmother of Maggie the Great.
She had an amazing life, so for her services I wrote the following poem:

MOM

What an incredible mixed of emotions

Sad to see you go
Glad that you got there
Are you Happy Mom?

You lived life to the fullest

You laughed hard at it all
You loved us more than life
What a woman, you were wise

Mom you were awesome

To have had three lives on earth
Who else can claim such victory
But you…. who did it all

As a child you were mischievous  

You were poor and didn’t even know it
You were happy, you were fun
You just wanted to play under the sun 

As a mother you were great

Seven daughters, what can I say
You weren’t the kissing and hugging kind
You were the proud and LOVING one

As a widow, that was hard

You missed Daddy and it was tough
But you lived through it with us,
With a smile and party time

So now is time to say goodbye

Boy it hurts, I’ll miss you lots
You were awesome you were great
You will always be the best

Yesterday we celebrated her life, we have actually been celebrating her life since the night she died and will probably continue to celebrate for a very long time.

We will miss you…   Love you forever.

ME

PS. My test at MDAnderson shows that I am responding to treatment, although the cancer did not shrink, it did not grow either.  So for now, I will continue with the treatment and pray.